I don’t remember if I said that was my secret at the time, maybe it’s sleazy to say it now, but since I don’t feel that way anymore it doesn’t really seem weird to talk about it because I’m just admitting I felt that way in the past.
I don’t know if I need to like update my 17 followers on my low self-esteem. But what if someone actually did want to know how stuff got better. I have talked about all this stuff before but here’s my summary.
tw: crazy, bullying, etc.
decided to move this from my regular tumblr cause I don’t need to gross everyone out.
this sounds really self-centered but that’s okay sex is a self-centered subject right
what do I mean when I act really fussy about people saying I’m pretty or approaching me in the way that you’re conventionally supposed to approach girls about sex? does that mean I want people to ignore me when I’m having sex with them?
- acting like a damsel/basically totally gaspy and overpowered by my toughness or the stuff I’m trying to do to you or the way I’m making you feel (i.e. the way submissive girls are conventionally supposed to act to dominant men)—defining me by my actions/persona, not how I look
- it is okay to say that I’m pretty SOMETIMES but it should be the way that awkward/shy young men react to women in movies, except it shouldn’t be focused on any body parts besides my hair, face, and hands, and it wouldn’t hurt if it was a little aspirational. like if it’s something that could only be said by another femme girl, then it is highly recommended. “oh my gosh! your hair is so nice! AND YOUR LIPSTICK! you’re so pretty I can’t even talk.” it’s hard to explain this because there is NO mainstream cultural framework but it should be a fusion of a girl complimenting another girl and a guy being tongue-tied about a girl
- being attracted to my body/presence in a generalized way, like the way a pet likes to be near its owner. being comforted and/or turned on by seeing me or touching me or being touched by me. this is my favorite and if I ever end up wanting to do really conventional sexual acts, it will probably be in this context.
so what am I reacting against when I fuss?
I think my biggest fear like I’ve said a bunch of times is people not being attracted to me the way I want them to be. when I was growing up I thought no one would ever be willing to be involved with me at all. I’ve gotten over that part but there are other problems and I feel like it’s awful to feel like someone wants you, but for the wrong reasons.
I mostly get afraid of people wanting me nonsexually and having sex with me to keep me around. I also get afraid of people wanting me in a conventionally sexual way too, that’s not only uninteresting to me but it actually upsets me because of the culture I live in.
just like when I was growing up and it made me feel crappy to see images of “lesbians” that were not lesbians and were marketed to straight men, I really don’t like the mainstream image of female dominance because it’s all about the woman’s body and to me, that is not dominant. it’s just a woman who is submissive—in a cultural, involuntary way, i.e. not really submissive at all—trying to cater to men in yet another way.
(sorry this sounds like I’m a political lesbian or something, no just a regular lesbian but when it comes to sex it’s easy to be angry at men, for myself, even if I don’t mean every woman should feel that way)
to me, the idea of someone’s submission being focused on like…my BODY…or someone ever even wanting or aiming to see it is just like…a cheat. it’s d/s in name only. it’s just the exact kind of sex that means nothing to me pretending to be something I’d actually want.
eta: to sum up, basically I want people to find me attractive on my terms, not on theirs
I just had this partial sex dream that had actual emotion in it
be warned, I’m going to use submissive as a noun
according to the internet, it is “a thing” to flush someone’s head in the toilet while having intercourse, but this just isn’t good enough for me. I want to straight up just drag another fully clothed person into a bathroom stall and give her a swirly.
my preferred sex acts are all kind of teenage and backhanded.
I’ve been thinking about how great it would be to flush someone’s head in the toilet. it’s exactly how kids always bullied each other in books and tv shows when I was growing up but it never actually happened to me or people I know (I don’t think so at least)—leaving me with a weird feeling of incompleteness.
conundrum: I’m usually attracted to girls with long hair. I feel like it could be dangerous to give someone a swirly if she has long hair. like her hair could get pulled down the toilet or something horrible.
the problem is, the whole idea is just SO perfect that I feel like it’s becoming some kind of life goal for me. it’s kind of primal and gross and the person would be all shivery after. maybe if she braided her hair first. hopefully I’m going to have a long life so I can figure out how to accomplish this.
a big part of me doesn’t want to be loved for who I really am. I want to be loved, by a lover, as a top. I want to be loved as and encouraged to be someone that I’m just not most of the time, with most people in my life, or with God.
most people start out perceiving me as shy and helpless—if someone starts having a negative opinion of me it’s usually because they think of me as passive-aggressive or something else relating to being victimized. I have no idea why, but my girlfriend initially perceived me as big and intimidating with no insecurities and that is part of what makes her a good girlfriend for me.