"I hope that wasn’t the best sex you ever had, me whoring myself while you ignore me and watch a russell crowe film" I was reminiscing w/ dd about our doomed relationship

it turns out being a dom and/or how I have sex is still not something I have to feel guilty about or have to feel like what happened is my fault. for real okay. because it really gets to me, I start feeling guilty about consensual stuff I did to someone who was abusive and it’s like why am I feeling guilty for that.

I’m going to get better

I’m going to have good sex and it’s not going to trigger me or make me uneasy

I have complete faith about that

I’m going to try and write a (hopefully brief & succinct) post about:

*what is wrong with me sexually

*what I need and/or like

*what I should do about it??

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I don’t like that I’m ever going to have to think about my ex again

it’s also true that sometimes I don’t know if I was crazy before, what would have upset me before

I do know I don’t want to fuck anyone ever again, except maybe the DD, but I know I don’t want to top anyone again, and that sucks because I’m a top, but I just don’t want to hurt anyone

you guys I was just thinking about american horror story

SPOILERS for ahs asylum, also content warnings behind the read more

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I don’t understand porn where people have like soda cans and phones in their orifices! why??

I have to start jerking off more. seriously. it’s an awesome thing that I never do.

I’ve hooked up with the DD a few times in the last year, mostly with me switching instead of him. it’s been epically perfect. and I have to say, part of me feels like the dom and sub stuff has just broken down and it’s just love. perfect switchy love.

and I hate when people act like rigid roles can’t be loving or something, of course that’s not true, but it’s still an interesting feeling that I’m totally chill switching with him and don’t feel any, like, sense of wrongness about it like it changes who I am—maybe we’ve been platonic d/s-y for long enough that emotionally I always feel on top. I don’t know if I would want to switch like this with someone I was officially dating, or if at this level of closeness it really doesn’t ruffle me.

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I hope someday I can be with someone who’s really desperate and clingy during sex without actually being that way. like, I don’t blame myself for what my ex did, but I also feel like if I hadn’t been turned on by it in the early stages then things would never have gotten so serious.

once I accidentally left one of my hoodies (one that I used to sleep with) with her when I was visiting so I was having her sleep with it every night and it seemed like it comforted her a lot which is the kind of thing I find appealing—for me at least, there’s a whole spectrum of d/s feelings that are not purely or even mostly sexual, so I’ll just say I intensely liked that she felt that way about the hoodie.

I remember one time she got upset (I don’t remember whether she got upset because I disagreed with her or questioned something she did, or whether it happened in a sexual situation which I think would be more legit) and she said “please don’t take the hoodie away” and obviously I was worried that she was upset but I also intensely liked that she said that.

I guess in a sexual sense or maybe in an intense emotional sense I’m sometimes really drawn to begging, vulnerability, dependence, etc. the Dear Departed was pretty much what I wanted in terms of that, from a partner—when we were dating he’d do all that stuff on a really cranked-up level while we were having sex, emotionally he presents himself as depending on me heavily, but I also have never felt trapped like I did with my ex. I know that the DD loves and values other people besides me, wouldn’t want to have me as an emotional resource if it would hurt me, wouldn’t die if I stopped being able to support him/be close to him.

I wouldn’t say it’s an act or something, though. on an emotional level it’s true, but I guess it’s not literally true that any person needs any other person. my ex behaved like it was literally true and like she would die without me and it was terrifying. I keep expecting to be over it, but sometimes I feel sick all over again and actually the farther away I get the more unbelievably awful it seems that I could have stayed with her for longer—sometimes I feel like I got out at one of the last possible stops.

part of me feels like I was irresponsible. like, the first time we had sex she said something like “I wanted to believe what you were saying, for real” and I said “of course you can believe it” but I meant within reason. I did want to take care of her and protect her and help her but like…by the end of our relationship I felt like I had a baby. but some kind of supernatural baby that could hurt me like an adult.

my ex was renesmee???

I also wonder if being submissive appealed to her because it was a way for her to expand her general victim complex, her feeling that all disagreements or challenges to her were threatening and violent, while anything bad she did was just because she was scared. I have hit her. she’s never hit me. that sure looks good on paper.

she didn’t mention any d/s or s/m related stuff when she was accusing me of being abusive and stuff…I was worried she was going to, but she didn’t. maybe she just didn’t think of it or something, but it means a lot to me.

anyway I’m into what I’m into but I do kind of imagine myself saying that d/s is bad and leads to abuse and people shouldn’t do it…although I actually think that’s ridiculous probably…but it’s kind of weird the way all of it was tangled up.

(resolution: I will never hit someone who won’t hit me. I’ll ask them to hit me, once, before we do anything.)